A Very COVID Hallmark Movie

Coronavirus — I mean, love — is in the air

Recently, a tweet was posted (by @TheAlexNevil, the guy from Star Trek). It’s a humorous post about the possibility of a Hallmark movie taking place in the time of the coronavirus.

Alex Nevil tweet about a Hallmark Christmas movie during the COVID-19 pandemic

What I find most amusing about this particular slice of social media is that I have never, ever been tagged in or had something shared with me as much as this.

Backstory: for many years, I’ve harbored a not-so-secret infatuation with Hallmark holiday movies. Mostly due to their attempts at being witty, charming dramedies-slash-rom-coms aimed at warming your heart while reinvigorating your belief in true love; attempts that are often wildly endearing, and that, best of all, always fail.

But they try hard and take themselves very seriously, which is what I like about them (translation: what makes them so easy to make fun of).

Once the dozenth or so (I cannot believe ‘dozenth’ isn’t a word) (oh wait, yes it is) notification came to my attention about this particular tweet, I knew I had to do something about it.

And that something I decided to do is to create the most accurate depiction of what I, in my seasoned expertise of Hallmark films (particularly of the Christmas variety), think this unmade film would look like.

I PRESENT TO YOU: “A VERY COVID CHRISTMAS”

This is Noelle! She’s a big city lawyer.

We can’t really tell you much more about her job because the writers don’t know a lot about what exactly lawyers do, but we CAN have a few scenes showing how important she is. These scenes include but are not limited to: talking about business stuff on the phone, making important statements in board meetings, and wearing a well-fitting pant suit with high heels.

Also, her name is a subtle homage to the Christmas holiday. Get it? Noelle?

This is Hunter. He lives in a small, quaint town full of white people.

Even though he’s the town country candle maker, people know they can call him with whatever they need: plumbing, furniture hauling, Christmas tree cutting down, etc. Sometimes he even plays the town Santa if it makes the local children happy!

Hunter is always putting other people before himself, and all the white moms of this town can’t understand why a nice guy like Hunter is still single.

This global pandemic has certainly taken a toll on both of our main characters and their crucial livelihoods, but they’re definitely making it work.

Noelle, for example, is still appearing in court, even though the cases have to take place over Zoom. One early scene shows her “kicking ass as a lawyer” (the details of this specific “ass kicking” are vague since the writers didn’t have the time or budget to figure out what a real lawyer does). But either way, we as the audience quickly realize how great she is at her job.

Then there’s a scene about how Hunter the country candle maker is teaching candle making over Zoom to a bunch of children BECAUSE HE HAS SUCH A BIG HEART.

In this next scene, Noelle has an extremely important lawyer business call to make, and Hunter has an extremely important country candle making class to teach. They’re both running late for their Zoom meetings, and this is an important detail.

They’re scrambling to sign on, and their haste leads to something very similar to that scene from Home Alone 2 where Kevin runs into the airport attendant and spills the airline tickets all over the ground which allows him to fly to New York without issue.

Basically, Noelle and Hunter end up in a Zoom call together. Alone.

They are both understandably confused, but after some witty banter, their confusion turns to pure enchantment with one another.

Unfortunately, in between their scintillating repartee, their call gets interrupted and they are both virtually swooped to their prospective Zoom calls.

Completely unrelated to that fateful Zoom call with Hunter, Noelle’s fancy lawyer job is sending her to some small town in the middle of nowhere to take care of some sort of fancy lawyer business. At Christmastime!

Even though Noelle doesn’t want to leave the city because “what am I going to do in some podunk country town? Especially during the holidays?!” she has to because it’s her job as a big city lawyer.

So the next scene is an absolute knee slapper, watching Noelle try to walk through the streets to her hotel with the half dozen suitcases she brought along, while wearing a nice dress and high heels (women, AM I RIGHT?).

She finally arrives at the inn where she’ll be staying (because there aren’t any large hotels at this small town, just inns) and GUESS WHO IS THE INNKEEPER?

It’s Hunter, you guys. He also works at the front desk of this inn because everyone does everything in this town (plus, no one can make a living as a candle maker, even in a Hallmark movie).

They recognize each other immediately from the Zoom call and it’s simply love at second sight. Also, great news, Hunter! Noelle has recently broken up with her fiancé because frankly he’s not a nice guy.

Even though the world is suffering from a global health crisis, the only real mention of COVID in this film is the occasional joke about “standing six feet apart,” and some background actors are occasionally seen wearing face masks. This disease just didn’t fit in with the charm that the writers were trying to convey, and frankly, we all know no one in a Hallmark movie can catch the coronavirus.

From their first official meeting, Hunter and Noelle’s relationship absolutely blossoms. There is at least one bonding montage, which includes 1) ice skating, 2) an impromptu snowball fight, and 3) Christmas carolers interrupting what would have been their first kiss.

Noelle and Hunter do have a few tense moments throughout the film, including an horrific fight — mostly caused by Noelle’s ex-fiancé — that almost leads to their breakup. However, by the end, they get a happily ever after.

Hunter ends up proposing to Noelle, even though he’s only known her for a week. Noelle ends up adapting to small town living, even though she’s leaving behind decades of hard work in her Manhattan law firm.

Because, moral of the story, if your life isn’t revolved around finding true love, you’re wasting your time.

Merry COVID Christmas, everyone!

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