Your night’s about to go from zero to “jokes about sharting” in 2.5 seconds

Photo credit: Dreamstime

Oh, hey there! You’ve decided to come out for a peaceful weeknight evening at your local bar, I see!

Perhaps you’re catching up with a friend. Perhaps you’re out on a third Tinder date to determine if this person is really worth pursuing. Or perhaps you’re doing some sort of casual work networking something or other.

Either way, you’re simply getting out — nothing fancy, nothing wild. It’s still the middle of the week, after all. But you work hard. It’s nice to leave the comfort of your home once in a while, isn’t it?

Suddenly — like an M…

Look at all those way more successful versions of you, all in one place

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Have you ever heard the chilling notion about how “hell is when the person you could have become meets the person you actually became”?

This really helps you to put your sad life into perspective and, more importantly, realize how much of a huge piece of garbage you are.

Fortunately, though, this is not actually a hell any of us have to face until we die (or, realistically, ever, because this notion was thought up by someone on Reddit I think).


Recently, I Googled my name — mostly out of curiosity as to what would come up, but also…


If you were worried about turning into your mother, wait till you get a load of this!

Image source: Dreamstime

Dear Crotchety Old Woman Downstairs,

As a 30-something woman, you moved into a basement apartment knowing that the house above it was occupied by a family with a 7-year-old and yet you, wow, moved in anyway.

But regardless of how bad the noise gets, you’ve never once implemented the broom-handle-to-ceiling tactic that other crotchety old neighbors use; including, but not limited to, people such as:

  • Mr. Heckles

And, okay, that’s the only one I can think of.

Let’s face it, though, the upstairs neighbors would certainly deserve it as their 7-year-old kid treats his house like a soccer field. I…

Hey you guys! It’s me, Rachel, the author of this page.

I’ve had a really, supremely awful month for a wide variety of reasons, including the fact that I JUST stubbed my toe, and I simply haven’t had the time or the interest to sit down and write about important things like grocery stores or my journey to become an influencer or why women in Hallmark movies always wake up with makeup on.

Instead I’m going to write a review for the manicure I just gave myself.

I’m calling it self-care.

The lazy blog post, not the manicure. …

As a 30-something woman, my Instagram ad feed is a healthy mix of yoga pants (with pockets!) for women of all sizes, those meal box delivery services, underwear that’s also somehow a sanitary pad, and comfortable bras designed for heavily endowed women.

Which, as a large-chested woman who has done everything in my power to hide this personal tidbit in my Instagram pictures and persona (really! It’s not even in my bio!), I’m a little alarmed that the Instagram algorithm has somehow figured it out.

And even worse than being reminded that my chest is too large for most normal…

Just because his pushing happened earlier in the process doesn’t mean he doesn’t also deserve a gift

Image credit: Dreamstime

Push gifts have been around for decades.

Never heard of them?

They’re very simple: push gifts are presents for new moms who just gave birth (aka PUSHED a baby out of their body, get it?).

And don’t worry, women who had C-sections get “cut open and pulled out” gifts, which are just as meaningful.

After all that work — whoever came up with this concept reasoned — these women deserve some sort of gift (besides motherhood, bleh). Because, just like that diamond engagement ring, if a woman doesn’t receive an expensive gift, she’ll never know if she’s loved or not.

Schitt’s Creek
Schitt’s Creek
Image credit: Dreamstime

Well, everyone, with all of these vaccines floating around and restrictions getting lifted left and right, the world of socialization is quickly coming back into all of our lives.

And unless you’re the type of person who chooses not to believe in the things that inconvenience you wait I mean unless you’re a Republican, you’ve been quarantining with minimal human interaction for the past year.

However, thanks to the technological gift that is Zoom, we’ve still been able to have regular social interactions with our friends and family. But — on top of this gift of keeping us connected to…

Kinda witty one-liner or non-witty one-liner?

Image Copyright: HBO. (Fair Use.)

How well do you know those witty late-90s, early-2000s Sex and the City episode titles? How well do you know those modern-day Sarcastic T-shirts from Walmart?

Think you’re a pro when it comes to both topics? Well, find out here!

“I Can Fart and Walk Away, What’s Your Superpower?”

Though there was that one scene in the first Sex and the City movie where Charlotte drinks the tiniest bit of water from her shower and subsequently shits herself in front of “the girls” — which was either supposed to be karma for an entitled white woman who refuses to consume anything from the resort since it’s located in a…

🎶 It’s the most wonderful tiiiiime of the year… 🎶

Photo credit: Rachel Marsh

Girl Scouts are important once a year, and that annual event is here: Samoa season.

Though these ambitious young cookie sellers are normally as easy to track down as a yoga pants MLM on Facebook, I had to work a lot harder this year. You know, because of the whole pandemic situation.

Luckily, I did finally obtain a box — I know a guy. (AKA I asked every single person I know to find them for me.)

So in honor of this very special occasion and this very special box of Samoas, I put on my most forgiving sweatpants (which…

You won’t BELIEVE how long you’ve been making these mistakes!

Photo credit: Dreamstime

Yikes! Have you started to notice the weight creeping up around that waistline of yours — but you have no idea WHY?

Hey, it happens to a lot of us! Many people have what seem like innocent habits, but turn out to be detrimental to their weight. You know how it goes: a simple habit here, a slip up there — and all of a sudden, none of your clothes fit anymore!

But the good news is, a lot of these habits are completely irreversible. …

Rachel Marsh

Award-winning writer, non-award-winning comedian. Also an improviser, please don’t hold that against me.

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